Fatherhood Fears

Well who'd have thought it? I'm going to be a daddy to a baby girl! I genuinely thought this day would never come and judging from the reaction of various friends and family, neither did they! Lets take Shazza from work for example who proclaimed "I didn't think you had it in you....Wait for it.... Sparkle" Yes my nickname at work is Sparkle. Manly I'm sure you'll agree.
So here it is, my first ever post! Thought I would start with a top 10 of fatherhood fears. If you can think of any extras let me know!

10) Babies
Probably not great seeing as I'm about to have one and don't get me wrong. I can't wait to have one of my own it's just that up until this point I haven't had a great track record of dealing with babies. I'm sure they can smell the fear. I can guarantee that as soon as I get within 10 yards of a new born it will cry! If I do actually handle one, it takes all my powers of concentration not to drop it.

9) Sleep
Will I ever sleep again? If everything the internet says is true then I will be sleep deprived for approximately the next 3 years!

8) Nappies
Haven't got a fucking clue! This evokes the same fear as when I first had to tackle how to undo the clasp on a bra! They seem so complicated. And when you finally get it on, I can guarantee that she will have the mother of all shits. Almost as if to see if I can do it again.

7) Will she be sporty?
I fully intend to live out my own sporting dreams through my children. I've already decided she will be enrolled in Tennis lessons as soon as she can walk and then Karting from the age of 4. I'm toying with the idea of professional golf lessons. What do you mean I'm being unreasonable?

6) Baby poo
Now I've heard all sorts of horror stories about the poo. Apparently its like tar.
One woman at work explained in great detail that the eruptions from her little ones were so powerful that they actually came out of the neck of the babygrow! Imagine that! A shit so violent that the only way to relieve the pressure is through the collar.

5) Sick
Definitely a contender for the number one spot but top five none the less. Why do babies throw up so much? I'm sure one of you will be able to tell me. All I can say is I'm glad we have laminate, wipe clean floors. Better than carpet I imagine (Unless its beige) but crusty shag pile can't be a good look.

4) Being popular
Call me shallow and possibly jumping the gun a bit but I really hope my little one isn't that kid that nobody likes. We all know the ones I'm talking about. The kid that everyone dreads having over for tea or the "special one" who sticks anything he/she can find up his/her nose in the playground. Or even worse the  spoilt brat that goes running to mummy whenever they get in trouble at school. "No my little Johnny wouldn't dream of strangling little Chantelle!" Yes he would! Deal with it! I hope I will be able to see if she's turning into any of these! This brings me onto my next fear...

3) What kind of parent will I be?
We've all seen it. Kids running riot whilst parents sit oblivious to their little darlings who seem intent on destroying everything around them  or the overprotective parent who goes into panic mode at the slightest sound of a sniffle or the Earth Parent. The one who gives them organic yogurt in their packed lunch and dresses them in hand knitted woollen jumpers or the overly laid back parent. "Chardonnay put down daddy's nail gun, there's a good girl!" 
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not having a go at any of the aforementioned. Knowing me I will probably be a mixture of all four! I just hope someone will tell me if I'm being a twat.

2) Peppa Pig
Possibly the shitest cartoon ever produced. For gods sake the pig has both eyes on the same side of her face! Bring back bananaman I say!

1) The Birth!
So up until this point I've managed to maintain the pretence of being fairly relaxed about the whole thing. However as each day goes by, the feelings of anticipation are beginning to increase. I think I know what not to do. I have it on good authority that shouting "ugh! it looks like an alien is coming out of you" is generally frowned upon. The umbilical cord is really freaking me out. I know its irrational but I have images of it coming off in my hand! Definitely not keen on cutting it. Do they even allow that now? 
I think my best bet would be to keep my mouth shut and just do whatever I'm told to do. Ante natal classes are coming up soon so I guess I will hopefully become slightly more clued up. 


So there you have it. A list of my top ten new dad fears. Any words of reassurance  advice greatly appreciated! Just comment below.