Monday, 22 May 2017


As the weeks go by and the soon to be Mrs McDadface enters her 28th week (could be 27th. I've lost track to be fair.) of the magical time that is pregnancy (hoping you can hear the irony through the keyboard), she is rapidly finding most forms of movement difficult. She has got the pregnancy waddle down to a fine art! Still gorgeous though! 😍 Our Friday evening badminton matches are a distant memory.

With this in mind we decided to look for an alternative activity. One that doesn't require much movement and mainly involves sitting. We did consider going to the cinema, theatre, restaurants, cafes etc etc but there's only so many films you can see and so much coffee you can drink before the staff start to recognise you and give you that pitiful look that says "awww have you really got nothing better to do with your lives?"

And then it hit us. An epiphany. A bit like when Sir Issac Newton discovered gravity or when Einstein came up with his theory of relativity, we knew we had found the answer to all our hopes and dreams! Yes ladies and gentleman you've guessed it... 


Yep, we actually went to Bingo. I'm 35 FFS.

Whilst I jest and generally look down on people who go to Bingo (because lets be honest, its mainly full of old people and skanks), I have to admit that I was secretly looking forward to it! Even slightly nervous, as I approached the entrance to the theatre of dreams that is @GalaBingo 
However I needn't have been. We were greeted by a lovely (if not slightly smelly) chap on reception who explained all of the different versions of bingo available. Who knew there were so many different ways to play Bingo!? We decided to enter the "Main Event" and at £3 for 4 games, It was a fecking bargain!

And then it was time.

We were led like gladiators into the arena, as a deadly hush fell over the place. It was clear that we were the newbies. We were fooling no one. We quickly found ourselves a seat and sat down ready for our game to begin.
Well I shit you not ladies and gents, I have never felt pressure like it.
Instantly erased from my mind was the image of little old ladies with their purple rinses happily crossing off the numbers whilst having a cup of tea.
Oh no. This was different.
The sheer speed that the numbers were called out was terrifying! I had trouble keeping up for the first game. This must have been obvious as there were a few wry smiles as the locals clocked that we were struggling and a few expressions that said "welcome to the big time kid". We needed to get serious.
Time to get my game face on!
The second round was just as quick but now I had figured out that if I looked down instead of across I could locate my numbers quicker.
I was in the zone.
However, I still missed a few which may have cost me a line or two. We played the remaining games but weren't lucky enough to win.
There were however some serious winners. One woman scooped £300 and another £500. They didn't even celebrate, which told me that this was a regular occurrence. 
An then it dawned on me. The odds of winning are actually pretty good! Better than any casino or lottery. Why wouldn't you play Bingo? Apparently I'd misjudged how awesome this game actually is and when our time came to leave (with my complimentary dabber, no less!) I found myself asking when the next session was!

So will I be going again next week? Hell yeah!

Monday, 15 May 2017

A Week in the Life of the McDadface

So another week has come and gone as we near closer to D-Day. My better half is now at 27 weeks, and I think it's safe to say positively pissed off with the whole pregnancy thing. No matter how hard she tries she just can't get comfortable. Even the sofa has turned against her. Once she sits down it refuses to let her stand up again!

We also thought it might be an idea to invest in some maternity clothes. Now I'm not good at clothes shopping at the best of times and so this I knew was going to be problematic. Aside from the usual challenges: Getting lost in the middle of the bra section, tripping over stray toddlers etc my other half had to come to terms with the fact that she will now be wearing an awful lot of velour. Although we did draw the line at leopard print leggings.

In other matters, I received this video from a mate on Facebook.
My kinda dancing
This in turn inspired me to relive my youth and go OUT OUT to replicate some of these moves. Don't like to brag but...SMASHED IT! Hell yeah, didn't look at all ridiculous!
After several hours of this nonsense, I decided it was time to call it a night. When I got home at... wait for it... 12.30am! I decided that maybe my clubbing days are behind me. 35 is too old 😢.
A fact that was confirmed the following day when nursing the mother of all hangovers. This debacle happened on Friday night and I am now only fully recovered (current time 12.17pm Monday lunchtime).

On a more positive note, we've chosen a name for the new arrival! Not going to tell you yet as we want to keep it a surprise. I can, however say what it's not.

It won't be: Chanelle, Shardonnay, Chardonay or Chardonnay. I refuse to name my kid after a perfume or cheap bottle of wine
Its won't be: Princess, Tulula or Tia Maria. She's not a Disney character/Alcoholic drink.
It won't be Storm, Courtney or (this is my favourite) Nokia.
And finally Shaneequa, Taneequa and Evernescence have not been short listed.

Apologies if I've offended anyone! If you have any other ridiculous names that you've heard of, please comment below! Would love to hear them!  

And last of all, I can announce that I have a new found hatred for the banking sector! In case preparing for an impending baby wasn't stressful enough, we thought we would spice things up a bit and move house as well.
Anyway 5 weeks into the process and we still have no mortgage offer. 5 f*cking weeks! I could have actually raised the money blue peter style through hosting a continual round of bring and buy sales in the time its taking theses arseholes to decide if they want to lend me anything.
Anyway the waiting continues. I shall keep you updated!
I think that's just about it for now...oh apart from the wedding we're also trying to organise. But that's a whole new blog post!

Speak to you soon!

Wednesday, 3 May 2017

Back in my day...

So the world of pregnancy continues to amaze and terrify me in equal measure.

From cabbage leaves on lactating nipples to projectile vomiting newborns, What the actual f*ck have I got myself into?!

Also made the mistake of watching One Born Every Minute... Ladies, on behalf of all mankind, I salute you.

How the hell you push, what is essentially a marrow with arms and legs out of your vagisal is amazing. Chaps we have a lot to be grateful for! The thought of squeezing anything out of any of my intimate man holes is not something I ever want to experience!

I've also become aware this week that Peppa twatting Pig is not the only kids TV program that will be darkening my TV screen in the near future. Thanks to I've also discovered the joy that is the Go Jetters. If you haven't read his article yet, do it. It's bloody hilarious.

Why can't they actually make good TV Programs anymore?!
Maybe I'm looking back through rose tinted glasses but back in the day (and by day I mean the eighties) there were all manner of brilliant cartoons. Anything from Superted to Fragile Rock.
I particularly enjoyed Fragile Rock as the theme tune could be made rude really easily! 😀
Thomas The Tank Engine was another classic. Not the shit new version but the proper one with the very un PC Fat Controller! Life was good for a kid back then.

And then on 31 March 1997, a day that is forever scorched into my very soul, all of children's TV turned to what can only be described as complete minge. "What are you talking about?" I hear you shout at your computer screens. What could be so bad that the only word to describe it is minge?
I will tell you ladies and gentleman. One word...


The only program ever to be aired where the main characters were essentially off their tits on acid. They are the single reason why a whole generation of children cannot speak properly! I heard through the grapevine that it's actually making a comeback! Please god NOOOOO!

Apologies I digress. My point is this. If your reading this Mr head of childrens TV, stop exposing our kids to programs that are absolute nonsense. Children have a brain. Make them use it! They should be watching programs that inspire them to use their imagination, to invent new characters in the playground at school or to develop exciting new worlds where amazing adventures can happen. Not watching some dick in a fat suit rolling around shouting "ah oh!"
Who knows? Their imaginative writing might even improve. Shock Horror!

Anyway, rant over. I'm off to watch Mr tumble.

Sunday, 30 April 2017

The learning curve continues...

It's been a few days since the first post went up and although it didn't exactly go viral I've been pleasantly surprised at the feedback! Turns out there are lots of kind people out there!
So with new found confidence and a fresh bout of verbal diarrhoea ready to explode I thought I would strike while the iron's hot and continue my ramblings.
Let me just start by saying it's good to know that I'm not the one who has an unhealthy hatred for Peppa Pig. @miss_speight You're idea of a hog roast was inspired!

So what have I learnt this week?
I've discovered something called a Pregnancy pillow. Three words... BEST THING EVER!
After several nights of little to no sleep (Baby thinks Mummy McMumface is a punch bag) the Preg pillow allowed us both to get a decent nights sleep. If you're considering getting one...DO IT! Expensive at about £32 on Amazon but well worth it in my humble opinion.

The next big thing on the horizon seems to be Ante Natal Classes. Not quite sure how this is going to pan out as I tend to laugh at inappropriate things. Words like constipation...discharge...nipples. Quite frankly hilarious! How will I get through it?! Also unsure of what questions to ask. After all you're talking to the man who thought enema was an 80's pop star.
Perhaps I should start an is it ok thread a la the last leg? Is it ok to have no idea what oxytocin is? Some kind of face cream?

As I eluded to earlier, baby is starting to wiggle around quite a bit. Felt her for the first time the other day, which was pretty cool. Things are looking good on the sporting front, definite footballer in the making! Mummy McMumface is not amused.

Maternity clothes are also being purchased at an alarming rate of knots. Why is it that none of the cheap shops (i.e Primarni) do any decent maternity wear? Apparently my spiderman onesie isn't maternity wear.

So any suggestions on non twatish antenatal questions or where to get some maternity clothes would be much appreciated! Speak to you soon!

Monday, 24 April 2017

Fatherhood Fears

Well who'd have thought it? I'm going to be a daddy to a baby girl! I genuinely thought this day would never come and judging from the reaction of various friends and family, neither did they! Lets take Shazza from work for example who proclaimed "I didn't think you had it in you....Wait for it.... Sparkle" Yes my nickname at work is Sparkle. Manly I'm sure you'll agree.
So here it is, my first ever post! Thought I would start with a top 10 of fatherhood fears. If you can think of any extras let me know!

10) Babies
Probably not great seeing as I'm about to have one and don't get me wrong. I can't wait to have one of my own it's just that up until this point I haven't had a great track record of dealing with babies. I'm sure they can smell the fear. I can guarantee that as soon as I get within 10 yards of a new born it will cry! If I do actually handle one, it takes all my powers of concentration not to drop it.

9) Sleep
Will I ever sleep again? If everything the internet says is true then I will be sleep deprived for approximately the next 3 years!

8) Nappies
Haven't got a fucking clue! This evokes the same fear as when I first had to tackle how to undo the clasp on a bra! They seem so complicated. And when you finally get it on, I can guarantee that she will have the mother of all shits. Almost as if to see if I can do it again.

7) Will she be sporty?
I fully intend to live out my own sporting dreams through my children. I've already decided she will be enrolled in Tennis lessons as soon as she can walk and then Karting from the age of 4. I'm toying with the idea of professional golf lessons. What do you mean I'm being unreasonable?

6) Baby poo
Now I've heard all sorts of horror stories about the poo. Apparently its like tar.
One woman at work explained in great detail that the eruptions from her little ones were so powerful that they actually came out of the neck of the babygrow! Imagine that! A shit so violent that the only way to relieve the pressure is through the collar.

5) Sick
Definitely a contender for the number one spot but top five none the less. Why do babies throw up so much? I'm sure one of you will be able to tell me. All I can say is I'm glad we have laminate, wipe clean floors. Better than carpet I imagine (Unless its beige) but crusty shag pile can't be a good look.

4) Being popular
Call me shallow and possibly jumping the gun a bit but I really hope my little one isn't that kid that nobody likes. We all know the ones I'm talking about. The kid that everyone dreads having over for tea or the "special one" who sticks anything he/she can find up his/her nose in the playground. Or even worse the  spoilt brat that goes running to mummy whenever they get in trouble at school. "No my little Johnny wouldn't dream of strangling little Chantelle!" Yes he would! Deal with it! I hope I will be able to see if she's turning into any of these! This brings me onto my next fear...

3) What kind of parent will I be?
We've all seen it. Kids running riot whilst parents sit oblivious to their little darlings who seem intent on destroying everything around them  or the overprotective parent who goes into panic mode at the slightest sound of a sniffle or the Earth Parent. The one who gives them organic yogurt in their packed lunch and dresses them in hand knitted woollen jumpers or the overly laid back parent. "Chardonnay put down daddy's nail gun, there's a good girl!" 
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not having a go at any of the aforementioned. Knowing me I will probably be a mixture of all four! I just hope someone will tell me if I'm being a twat.

2) Peppa Pig
Possibly the shitest cartoon ever produced. For gods sake the pig has both eyes on the same side of her face! Bring back bananaman I say!

1) The Birth!
So up until this point I've managed to maintain the pretence of being fairly relaxed about the whole thing. However as each day goes by, the feelings of anticipation are beginning to increase. I think I know what not to do. I have it on good authority that shouting "ugh! it looks like an alien is coming out of you" is generally frowned upon. The umbilical cord is really freaking me out. I know its irrational but I have images of it coming off in my hand! Definitely not keen on cutting it. Do they even allow that now? 
I think my best bet would be to keep my mouth shut and just do whatever I'm told to do. Ante natal classes are coming up soon so I guess I will hopefully become slightly more clued up. 

So there you have it. A list of my top ten new dad fears. Any words of reassurance  advice greatly appreciated! Just comment below.


As the weeks go by and the soon to be Mrs McDadface enters her 28th week (could be 27th. I've lost track to be fair.) of the magical tim...

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